The day the future passed

If you could see into the future would you? I always thought I would. Last night I had a glimpse of the future. It’s a future I know is coming. It’s a future that comes for everyone. We all know that. For some, the future I glimpsed is already part of their past.

I am grateful she’s still here, but I know she won’t be here forever.  Each day brings her, as it does each of us, closer to the end of the journey. It might help if you understood that I don’t perceive time the same way most others do as there is no forward for me. No future. There is only then and now, because I do not see through the eyes of another. I do not see the world through children as I have none and never will. It will all end when I do, and any legacy will be achieved, possibly falsely, through the selfish aspirations and hopeful yet conceited belief that there is a mark, somewhere, upon the soul of one or more that might bear witness that something slightly grander than average, perhaps, passed this way.

When my mother leaves, finally to join the man before her, there will be no more then for me. There will only be now. Life will become a series of now’s reliving whens dredged up to soothe the unwanted and unwelcome moments of pain with memories of joy. But once that moment of now becomes a then, it will be no more as a new now takes it’s place. She is not leaving, yet, but the vision of a world without her is not a world I want to know. It is a world where I do not know my place. A world I know not where I fit nor how I can live in yet.

For more years than I care to disclose that I existed in this world, I do so because two of the most amazing people found each other amidst the entropy of this earth and made it magically so. Made me so. One of them has been gone for more than 10 years, but she who was the vessel that carried me is still here. For all those years every magic moment of life included her. Last night I heard that might not be so for my most beloved of magic days this year. I heard that there might not be the annual gathering of my past and present. It might be too much trouble for a reason I shall not disclose. While that might not still be the case…while there might still be another now to relive after it becomes a when…I still saw and felt the potential and it’s impact. I glimpsed the future in a torrent of terror and hate it. I truly fucking hate it.

As I said, though, this might not now come to pass. As of today the door has been left open for this to have been a false vision and for the annual aligning of my planets to occur. That does not erase the pain and anguish born from that glimpse. The newness and rawness of this vision does not allow me to profess with any certainty or clarity what I will do for me with this knowledge. Was it a wake-up call? Is there anything I need to do differently? I honestly do not know and cannot yet say.

This vision, however, does give me enough strength and passion to reach out to any of you in reading range that have the chance to take advantage of this knowledge and use it in whatever way you can. Hold someone a little tighter. A little longer. Look at them for a minute more each time you see them. But see them, don’t just look at them. Be where you need to be when you need to be there. Be there more than just when you need to be. Even if it’s just one more time than you would have.

If you do, you will have one more now to remember when it was a then. And maybe that will be a mark, a legacy to be proud of. And this day might be more than just another day and will not have passed in vain.

24 comments

  1. This is so very moving. I lost my “then” after 37 years as my “now” and it was devastating. I was lucky though, because God sent me a new “now”. I know that one of us will one day become a ” then”, so I do everything that you advised. How sad for us that it will all end when you do. 😢

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Walt. I miss my dad, and his passing was hard. I had wondered how it will be the day my mom finally joins him. If anything this vision has taught me that I will be as much of a basket case as everyone says I will.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Perfectly stated. On my recent trip out to NJ, my mom almost seemed as if she’s done trying. She’s 85 and has trouble walking and has always been prone to depression. Our relationship has gone from contentious to simply complicated over the years but none of that has anything to do with the fact that she gave me life. My usual habit of countering an emotional reaction with stoic philosophy or cold physics doesn’t apply in this case. It’s just plain sad and out of respect, I just need to feel the sadness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel for you. Our mom’s are the same age, and I am blessed she is who she is and hope she is for many more years. Probably why the thought of no Christmas gathering this year completely altered my world’s axis. Thank you, Paul.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I lost my mom in 2010; she would have been about the age of your mom now, were she still with us. Like you, I have no children, no legacy to leave behind. Losing her drove me a little bit mad for a while. I hit the midlife crisis stage and, honestly, screwed some things up. I cannot think about that time without tears. Certain songs make me cry, because they remind me of her. I have dreams I call her for advice, still. I wake up and realize that’s impossible, and it hurts a lot.

    This was an amazing homage. Love greatly, my friend, for as long as you can. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This speaks to my heart. Because I lost my mom when I was so young, my heart is filled with something good when I see others really taking the time to be with their loved ones, especially their Mom’s. I didn’t have the time or the life experience to understand how important every moment is, but I do now. And, although it is different for everyone, I did get to a point where I feel truly grateful for having known my mom. I would rather have known her for the short time I did, than not know her at all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you…I cherish it. I was a fucking basket case when I thought we might not have Christmas this past year. I still dread the day as I know it will be another watershed moment.

      I fucking hate watershed moments.

      Liked by 1 person

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