If you could see into the future would you? I always thought I would. Last night I had a glimpse of the future. It’s a future I know is coming. It’s a future that comes for everyone. We all know that. For some, the future I glimpsed is already part of their past.
I am grateful she’s still here, but I know she won’t be here forever. Each day brings her, as it does each of us, closer to the end of the journey. It might help if you understood that I don’t perceive time the same way most others do as there is no forward for me. No future. There is only then and now, because I do not see through the eyes of another. I do not see the world through children as I have none and never will. It will all end when I do, and any legacy will be achieved, possibly falsely, through the selfish aspirations and hopeful yet conceited belief that there is a mark, somewhere, upon the soul of one or more that might bear witness that something slightly grander than average, perhaps, passed this way.
When my mother leaves, finally to join the man before her, there will be no more then for me. There will only be now. Life will become a series of now’s reliving whens dredged up to soothe the unwanted and unwelcome moments of pain with memories of joy. But once that moment of now becomes a then, it will be no more as a new now takes it’s place. She is not leaving, yet, but the vision of a world without her is not a world I want to know. It is a world where I do not know my place. A world I know not where I fit nor how I can live in yet.
For more years than I care to disclose that I existed in this world, I do so because two of the most amazing people found each other amidst the entropy of this earth and made it magically so. Made me so. One of them has been gone for more than 10 years, but she who was the vessel that carried me is still here. For all those years every magic moment of life included her. Last night I heard that might not be so for my most beloved of magic days this year. I heard that there might not be the annual gathering of my past and present. It might be too much trouble for a reason I shall not disclose. While that might not still be the case…while there might still be another now to relive after it becomes a when…I still saw and felt the potential and it’s impact. I glimpsed the future in a torrent of terror and hate it. I truly fucking hate it.
As I said, though, this might not now come to pass. As of today the door has been left open for this to have been a false vision and for the annual aligning of my planets to occur. That does not erase the pain and anguish born from that glimpse. The newness and rawness of this vision does not allow me to profess with any certainty or clarity what I will do for me with this knowledge. Was it a wake-up call? Is there anything I need to do differently? I honestly do not know and cannot yet say.
This vision, however, does give me enough strength and passion to reach out to any of you in reading range that have the chance to take advantage of this knowledge and use it in whatever way you can. Hold someone a little tighter. A little longer. Look at them for a minute more each time you see them. But see them, don’t just look at them. Be where you need to be when you need to be there. Be there more than just when you need to be. Even if it’s just one more time than you would have.
If you do, you will have one more now to remember when it was a then. And maybe that will be a mark, a legacy to be proud of. And this day might be more than just another day and will not have passed in vain.