Time To Reboot?

I don’t recall the last time I have ever felt such a prolonged sense of dread. I’ve known the feeling so I recognize it. I no longer watch the news. I rarely click on a news story in MSN. I do not use Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, or any other form of “social meda”. (I don’t know if blogging and posting poems is considered that, but so be it if it is.) I am a registered Independent. I have voted for Republican, Democratic, and even Libertarian candidates in local, state, and national elections. I believe in critical thought when assessing candidates. Hell I just believe in thought.

I cannot abide bullies, or vindictive people that hate for the sake of joy. As a person, I am known for my youthful approach and outlook on life. I have been told I am a very positive person who truly looks for the best and tries to bring people together. I have been given the phrase “painfully positive” to describe how hard I fight to find the right. I feel, however, that I am losing it.

There has been a constant pounding of drums and marshaling of troops for many years now. It started with the election primaries, and it hasn’t stopped. I am so tired of watching people shred the last vestiges of decency so they can gnash their teeth at those who are too smart to get caught up in the bile and vitriol that is dumped daily upon the trough-feeding masses of this nation. Every day I wake up and think “Today will be the day. Today we will move forward. Today we won’t be forced to cower at the latest 140 characters of a confused narcissist.” But every day has been the same. And it seems every day will be the same.

I have never…truly never…wanted to disengage until now. For those that are familiar with the Meyers-Briggs personality assessments I am an “E”, not an “I”. (You can take a free assessment here if you are so inclined.) I have always been able to push through and past momentary funks and come out my usual self. It seems, however, too much these days. I see those around me that are part of the problem. I live in a fucking “blood” red state. There is no avenue for general discourse where I live and work. And, again, I am an Independent, not a Democrat. I see the effect these times are having on those that already felt the weight of the world. I can no longer hold them aloft, or buoy them to safety. I have always been the rock; but I feel the tide of hate, ignorance, fear, and anger is so great that it has ripped me from the solace that was my river bed and is washing me out to sea. I am getting banged, beaten, and bruised along the way. I wish I could just check out. I struggle to take refuge in the fact that my daily fight to provide for the wayward kids (remember we are the island of misfit cats) we’ve taken in matters. I find myself wallowing in the weight of responsibility to be “it”. To be here. To be the one. Especially when so much of the world around me seems destined to destroy any reason for doing it.

OK…so not really sure if there is some grand purpose to this rant. If you are familiar with what I do write that is not poetry you will probably notice this as an uncharacteristic diatribe. In fact I don’t even know where this is going. Sort of like this nation and this world. There is NO fucking way that what we are doing is the way we are supposed to improve our lot on this planet. You are either extremely delusional or selfish if you think it is. And if that offends anyone who reads this, well I am sorry for you and the dead thing growing inside you.  And if this is where we end up, it truly is time for the galactic engineers that seeded this planet and started this whole fucked up experiment to get the hell back here and hit CTL-ALT-DEL on the keyboard of earth.

25 comments

  1. You’re far from alone. I’m glad you articulated this because it’s something that all decent people are feeling right now, in increasingly large degrees. Stepping back to regroup, enjoy simple things, be good to ourselves — this is actually a part of any successful struggle. And remember, we may not be able to see the effects of current efforts, but they’re still worth it. It seems you and I are in a similar place right now and there’s nothing wrong with putting some blinders on for a while, but I don’t think we’re actually capable of completely throwing in the towel. Good people still outnumber the bad, it’s just that the bad tend to be much louder.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank for chiming in. I know what you say is true, as I am usually the one that says those things. I am sure I will find my way back to who I am at my core. I think it’s the fact that I am so outside of me that adds to my fear and frustration. I appreciate your support and presence.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I was just lamenting to my friend last night, after she caught me up on the latest unnpahomable response from ‘our leaders’ to the devastation that is happening in Puerto Rico. I truly would not have known had she not told me..I am that checked out. I’ve acknowledged this to Paul (above) and feel guilt, daily, as I once was a full-on addict to NPR. I just can’t right now. It literally breaks my heart, which is still not strong enough yet to endure the daily beatings. It’s an excuse, I recognize this, but it’s just that heartbreaking…and fucking maddening.
    So, thank you for your rant…and there WAS poetry embedded within, as always.
    “I have always been the rock; but I feel the tide of hate, ignorance, fear, and anger is so great that it has ripped me from the solace that was my river bed and is washing me out to sea”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Leave it to you to find beauty in my rant and make my heart grow 3 sizes this very day. I love you Brooke!!!

      It was that very headline about Puerto Rico that pushed me today. I remember what our neighborhood looked like after we were able to talk our way past a a National Guard at a checkpoint in New Orleans for Katrina. I remember how fucking hard it was to breathe upon seeing what used to be our home after it was under 8′ of water. I remember having no idea where to turn for advice or help after we found ourselves in a strange town with no home and then no job. The worm has NO idea and should NOT be give anyone advice.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. OMG…first I had to edit my comment as I didn’t specify WHAT you made grow three times!!!! That has been corrected LOL.

          I have told a few people now that I am going to write about it…so I guess I better get to it soon. Guess this is the nudge I needed.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. You are far from alone. I think most people except that 30+ percent core feels much the same as you do. Most people don’t speak it for fear of alienating people they love or their neighbors or just general society in the place they live. We are on the wrong course in almost every way. I don’t identify with either the Republican or Democratic parties. Both have been corrupted by lobbyists and money. They are slaves to them. They don’t represent the people anymore. They represent the lobbyists. That’s why they can’t pass a decent health insurance bill. Both parities have also been corrupted by the campaign financing laws. If we don’t get big money out of politics, we’ll never have honest political candidates again. I don’t have a solution. I can only see the problems and worry that we are losing our democracy.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I, too, feel that there is no solution on the horizon. That makes it a bit scarier. I am just glad I have NO children to worry about. I love my nieces and nephews, but there is still a degree of disconnect that to buffer and save me from those pangs of angst.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is very scary to think about what the generations younger than me are facing. What is even scarier to me is that I have younger friends and they seem to not care that we could lose our democracy and face a authoritarian government. History is not taught very well is schools today. Many younger people don’t know what an authoritarian government can lead to and they see it as a way they can be taken care of. Quite frightening.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s not a joke and unless we get a grip and realize that this is real, our way of life is going to be taken away. I don’t know the answers, but I think we do know the questions and probably the problems.

    Like

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