I don’t recall the last time I have ever felt such a prolonged sense of dread. I’ve known the feeling so I recognize it. I no longer watch the news. I rarely click on a news story in MSN. I do not use Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, or any other form of “social meda”. (I don’t know if blogging and posting poems is considered that, but so be it if it is.) I am a registered Independent. I have voted for Republican, Democratic, and even Libertarian candidates in local, state, and national elections. I believe in critical thought when assessing candidates. Hell I just believe in thought.
I cannot abide bullies, or vindictive people that hate for the sake of joy. As a person, I am known for my youthful approach and outlook on life. I have been told I am a very positive person who truly looks for the best and tries to bring people together. I have been given the phrase “painfully positive” to describe how hard I fight to find the right. I feel, however, that I am losing it.
There has been a constant pounding of drums and marshaling of troops for many years now. It started with the election primaries, and it hasn’t stopped. I am so tired of watching people shred the last vestiges of decency so they can gnash their teeth at those who are too smart to get caught up in the bile and vitriol that is dumped daily upon the trough-feeding masses of this nation. Every day I wake up and think “Today will be the day. Today we will move forward. Today we won’t be forced to cower at the latest 140 characters of a confused narcissist.” But every day has been the same. And it seems every day will be the same.
I have never…truly never…wanted to disengage until now. For those that are familiar with the Meyers-Briggs personality assessments I am an “E”, not an “I”. (You can take a free assessment here if you are so inclined.) I have always been able to push through and past momentary funks and come out my usual self. It seems, however, too much these days. I see those around me that are part of the problem. I live in a fucking “blood” red state. There is no avenue for general discourse where I live and work. And, again, I am an Independent, not a Democrat. I see the effect these times are having on those that already felt the weight of the world. I can no longer hold them aloft, or buoy them to safety. I have always been the rock; but I feel the tide of hate, ignorance, fear, and anger is so great that it has ripped me from the solace that was my river bed and is washing me out to sea. I am getting banged, beaten, and bruised along the way. I wish I could just check out. I struggle to take refuge in the fact that my daily fight to provide for the wayward kids (remember we are the island of misfit cats) we’ve taken in matters. I find myself wallowing in the weight of responsibility to be “it”. To be here. To be the one. Especially when so much of the world around me seems destined to destroy any reason for doing it.
OK…so not really sure if there is some grand purpose to this rant. If you are familiar with what I do write that is not poetry you will probably notice this as an uncharacteristic diatribe. In fact I don’t even know where this is going. Sort of like this nation and this world. There is NO fucking way that what we are doing is the way we are supposed to improve our lot on this planet. You are either extremely delusional or selfish if you think it is. And if that offends anyone who reads this, well I am sorry for you and the dead thing growing inside you. And if this is where we end up, it truly is time for the galactic engineers that seeded this planet and started this whole fucked up experiment to get the hell back here and hit CTL-ALT-DEL on the keyboard of earth.